Mid
Life Crisis (MLC) is a myth.
“Mid Life” itself is a
myth.
What is “mid-life”?
Can anyone define it?? Can anyone define one’s life span? Can you predict your
death?? Your end?? Then….??
And now the “crisis”
part. In most of the time this so-called “crisis” is a “self-invented,
egocentric ambitious culture carefully cultivated by individual(s) for
satisfying his / her own selfish goals”.
In a much more
simplified manner this so called “crisis” is a “lack of camaraderie” between
two individuals, who are incidentally partners in the same boat in a huge ocean
called “Life”.
And camaraderie is
something which, if one wants anytime, can cultivate easily…provided of course
he / sheWANTS. That’s why it’s a crisis which is so easy…yet so
difficult to overcome. Ego comes in the way.
Example to drive home
this point:->
Don’t know how many of
you remember a serial called Param Veer Chakra directed by Late Chetan Anand
for Doordarshan in Mid Eighties. Long back it used to be aired in DD at 10 am
every Sunday on some of our real life heroes – our fallen soldiers who won the
PVrC in war to save India.
It told the story Late
Lt Col Tarpore, PVrC of our armoured corps (17 Lancers or The Poona Horses).
In mid-fifties, when
India occupied the princely state of Hyderabad, the army under Nizam’s payrole
were disarmed and made to surrender and then brought under Indian Army’s
control, subjugation and payrole. Lt Col Tarpore was under Nizam. So he was
virtually one-stop-short of POW. Unceremoniously he was first disarmed and then
made to join the armored corps of Indian Army.
The first day he
joined, he had to listen from his superior that “How he is feeling now that he
is now discharged from the noble duty of protecting the begums of Nizam’s Harem
in Salaar Jung and rather now have to do a tough job of a real soldier of
protecting his actual mother-nation i.e. India?? How it feels like not doing
the job of a “Khoza” or “Slave” of Nizaam rather doing the job of a real
soldier now onwards?? Difficult…ehh..!!!”
That’s the beginning.
Every single day from his joining till 1965 Pak War he was made to withstand
every sort of humiliations, taunting comments, questions about Nawab’s Harems,
protecting begums etc etc which pushed a proud soldier like him to his brink of
mental breakdown.
In a particularly
touching scene of the serial (I realize the significance of the scene now –
then felt it ridiculous), it is shown that Lt Col Tarpore came back from his
regimental center in a mentally broken state and virtually breaks down in front
of his wife “…and for remaining how many days need I withstand this utter
humiliation in hands of my own batchmates of IMA I don’t know…what I have done
in my career to deserve all these…is it my fault that I served Nizam who were
my employers??”
His wife (I faintly
remember her name in the serial..Pessy..or Peggy…some Persi name starts with
P…) came near him, hugged him warmly, putting her hands around her she
soothingly told him….”look, its just a matter of a few days before the whole
world including your batchmates in the whole Indian army will come to know who
you are, what’s your true value…you’ll one day show all of them that you are
the real hero…now for the time being, my hero, lets forget all these bickering
and humiliation…and I will make a nice, strong drink and bring it for
u…enjoy the drink and try to leave the past, relax….”
This scene I often
recall when after coming back home I sometimes listen stories of complaints
that a great many wives have about their husbands in everyday
life…”offff….carrying back office to home, getting easily irritated, never
paying much attention to our small wishes, never appreciates our food, not
allowing to purchase a new mobile handset for a long time, always getting angry
easily, asking to get down from the car in sun and walk for 100 meters instead
of driving down right up to the mall (knowing fully well there may be parking
problem in front of the mall), never getting a cup of warm coffee / tea from
husband’s hand even on a lazy Sunday; it only happens in TV serials that the
husbands are so romantic…why the husbands are so unromantic”…and the list goes
endless. Of course all these because my wife is very close and frank with me,
treats me as her friend and shares everything, every story that her society’s
kitty friends tell her.
Not in office but
sometimes I could also get a glimpse of the ugly other side of the complaints
from husbands as well….”could never satisfy them, demands endless, ungrateful,
anyway marriage means compromise, arre you have to adjust, they won’t
understand us properly, uninteresting boring *** (will not elaborate
further)….” Again many versions.
Now an important point
based on my first hand experience.
Midlife crisis may be
rare in armed forces. Because there is a sense of camaraderie surrounding every
member of the forces and within their family. A sense of comradeship pervades
all feelings that pushes everyone to cross all boundaries to come near the
heart of each other. This may be because these people in forces realizes the
fact harder than we bloody civilians that there’s only one life to
live, so lets’ not loose it in petty bickering. Though in cantonments there
are stories of adulteries and extra-martial galore. But somehow I feel very
interested to know…how many of you, my fellow-IOCL collegues from all
divisions….after you came back home from a hard day in office…feeling irritable
to the core of your heart…in case if you reacted or over-reacted…instead of
getting a scowl in return…had got a warm hug from your wife with a nice peg of
drink offered for relaxation..like Mrs Tarapore offered to her late PVrC
husband…how many are so fortunate to enjoy this fortune throughout your life
till date?? (and not for the first 5 years after marriage ONLY..now that ONLY’s
important…)!!!!
What I wanted to
emphasize…in our civilian lives..in the midst of all these
“I-We-They-Them”..somewhere the “friend”, “comrade-in-arms”, “camaraderie” and
the “warmth” gets lost. We forget to remain friends. Instead what remains is a
“dutiful husband”, “duty-bound bahu”, “sube daur-daur ke bacche ko
school-pahuchanewaala baap”, “Bf / lunch / dinner cooking me pis jaanewaali
ma”, “servant ke piche khich khich karnewaali bhabi”…and kabhi kawar…may be a
tangential gaze to a young bachelor in a vein and veiled effort to bring back
the long-lost spring of your life…and getting furious when children calls you
“Uncle”, “Aunty”…as it reminds you of your lost-youth which will never come
back….and finally what remains is “A HOLY INSTITUTION CALLED MARRIAGE IN WHICH
WE HAVE TO ADJUST & COMPROMISE (now read..drag on)…”
So the charm and the
green of your life greys up and sometimes at the middle of the night you may
suddenly wake up and recall that song of Manna Dey which resonates this
so-called mid-life crisis musically…
মাঝ রাতে ঘুম ভেঙ্গে যায়
মনে হয়
জীবনের কত কাজ সারা হয়ে গেল..
আরও কত বাকি রয়ে গেল...
(…waking up in the
middle of night, suddenly the thought comes to mind…how much I achieved in
life…and what I could not…)
…the lines following
these opening para are even more telling….I think only a Bengali lyricist can
write such a song…as amongst all Indian Civvies…it is this race which is most
susceptible to negative thoughts about life, pessimism, frustration and
bickering / quarrel which in turn leads to the so-called “MLC”…I think by now
abbreviation is OK…
Anyway….enough….now
come down to solution which is downright simple. If there is lack of
understanding and camaraderie with your partner or if you feel you have
outgrown your life…lead the life on your own terms…chalk out your own path…and
don’t care what others say.
And this doesn’t
necessarily mean you have to part your ways from your partner or friends.
Simply follow your wish. In 1997, when I trekked to Hemkund Sahib /
Valley of Flowers, my small group consisted of 4 frustrated bulls…myself (5
years before marriage), one 40 something bachelor from Guwahati who worked in
SBI, one 65 year old retired chemical engineer from SAIL Bhilai and one 50
years old bank manager from Kolkata. Lethal combination. And we were also
surrounded by a group of luscious Gujarati girls who were trekking to the abode
of flowers.
Don’t get excited.
These last 2 old fellows were veteran solo trekkers. Both have wives back home
who were asthmatic and rheumatic patients respectively. Both hubbies loved
Himalayas. Both were fitness freak. Mr. SAIL used to swim in BSP club every
evening even after retirement. Mr. 50 something bank mgr later on also
successfully trekked to Kailash Mansarover.
I asked both during
this tour (of course after 2 pegs of old monk) whether they are not cruel,
heartless enough to leave their sick wives at home while enjoying sunrises at
snow-bound peaks??
The reply from both
were similar…that they have done their duties, are still doing their duties,
taking proper care for their better halves when at home…not that they never
tried to pull their wives towards their likings but failed… when young they
requested their companionship….sometimes they came together but frequently
their partners fell ill, vomited in bus, didn’t like the dirtiness associated
with poor hillsmen..so on and so forth…in summary they did not share their
husband’s interests. Finally each one caught hold of one debilitating disease
each.
However each of these
husbands made one thing clear to their respective partners…that once in a year
they will come out all alone and have a pilgrimage in their cherished path…rest
of the time they will be beside their wives….of course there were bickering…but
instead of they whining “ohh…..!!! Mid or End of the life crisis”…each pursued
their likings doggedly and brushed aside any strident remarks from any
quarters.
So I would summarize
my take as below:
1.0> MLC is an invention of a problem. It’s
basically egocentric non-sharing of mutual understandings affecting both males
and females. Stems from lack of friendship and camaraderie in a relation, which
in the long run turns into a need-based, commodified husband-wife relation.
2.0> Affects more civilians than people in forces.
3.0> Solution is to have the determination and
chalk your own path when all your efforts fail but the same can also be done
staying within the framework of family life without any seperation. Not
necessary always to go Captain Jacob’s way.
4.0> Last not the least…speak and discuss least on
this issue with others…just silently pursue your own interest. More you talk,
more opinions float to get you confused.
5.0> And never take stock of your life at any stage
like the Manna Dey song in the middle of night…what I achieved and what could
not. No life is 100% success story, but none is 100% failure
either.
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